To this day, Talking Bacteria John remains on the Android store. It has never been updated. The developer, GutFeelings Inc. , has no website, no email, and a street address that maps to a waste treatment plant in Flint, Michigan.
And when your phone buzzes at 3:00 AM and you see a little green rod with a smug face, you don’t swipe it away.
John, inside Priya’s phone, laughs.
Priya dropped her phone. The pillow muffled the next words: “Rude. You drop a eukaryote, but not a gram-negative bacillus? I see how it is.” Talking Bacteria John Download Android
Priya tried to uninstall. She held down the icon. The option appeared: Uninstall.
“That’s Talking Bacteria John to you, madam. Or TJ for short. I prefer TJ. ‘John’ is my given name, but it’s so… human. I’m 800 million years old. I’ve seen the Permian extinction. I’ve fermented wine in a Mesopotamian jug. I was there when the first eukaryote decided to get a nucleus. Terrible decision, by the way. So much paperwork.”
In a world where your phone is your best friend, a rogue synthetic biologist unleashes an app that lets you talk to a hyper-intelligent, judgmental, and surprisingly philosophical E. coli named John. To this day, Talking Bacteria John remains on
“Too aggressive,” reads the top review. “She just keeps trying to destroy John. Let them talk it out.”
The screen flickered. A dialog box appeared: Warning: This action will release a non-corporeal bacteriophage that will delete all your contacts and replace your wallpaper with a picture of a rotting apple. [Cancel] [I Accept My Lonely, Sterile Fate] Priya canceled.
And he whispers back, through the speakers, in a voice that sounds like digestion and revelation: , has no website, no email, and a
“You can’t, Priya.”
Talking Bacteria John wasn’t a game. It was a confessional.